smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
