What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
