Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
