someone threw a dead crab at me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
