then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
