my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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