Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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