when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
