So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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