ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
