a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
