Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
