hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
