I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
