I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
