I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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