As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
