my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
