My friends, they love my intelligence
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
