Umm I'm too high to move.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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