a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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