My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
