Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
