Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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