If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
