Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And then my night got REAL pukey
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
