the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
