I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The Olympian is in my bed
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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