she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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