i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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