she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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