I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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