Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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