so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
