I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
