ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
