Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
