Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
