I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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