I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
