I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
