apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
