hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
