guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
