I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
