I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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