I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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