dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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