you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
