A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
