Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
