I'm gonna have a badass scar
i think i have herpe
just one?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
is wine microwaveable?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
